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  1. #1
    FunkyFingers
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    Writing a book...

    I just started writing a book called "Lies". I have no idea when it will be finished or where I will go with it, but I'm trying to relate it as much as I can to what I have been through. Would like to have some feedback on my brief intro. If you guys would be kind enough to critique it and such it would be awesome. So without further ado, here it is....


    It was a Monday evening in early August. The trees still bright green, with luscious leaves that were decorated and delicately placed along their muscular branches. The air was a nice cool temperature, not hot enough to make one sweat, and not cold enough to make one shiver. Everything appeared to be normal, nothing out of the ordinary. However, this was not the case for one young boy whose life would never be the same. Unlike most people his age, he was short, scrawny, and his face littered with a mix of acne and pimples. He lay on his bed, his wavy blonde hair dangling into his bright blue eyes. The young boy had just finished having his daily fight with his father. It seemed to be part of his routine now adays. This fight was no different than many of the others in the past had been. Started by something as small as drying the dishes in the worn down, beat up, and outdated dishwasher that his father had, and then at an accelerated pace, growing into a full on war that included vulgar language and physical violence. But for some mysterious reason, this fight sparked something in the boy. He no longer had any expression or color in his face aside from the natural blush that appeared on his cheeks. To a spectator, it would have appeared as if he was just staring out into endless blank space, but in "reality" he had realized things that had caused him to go on a journey through his past that was long past due.

  2. #2
    shadow abyss
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    This seems like it's going to be a great read. One thing about your writing style, you use a lot of long sentences, at least for me. That may just be a preference of mine, and not really an actual problem. Other than that, I love the descriptions, it's all very detailed. I like how the character is a bit of a mystery. It leaves alot of room for character development further in the story.

    Honestly though, if you are having fun writing it, you're writing it right(Bit of a tongue twister eh?). Make this your story, and make it your own style. In particular since you are relating this to your own personal life, make this story your's. Write out the whole thing. Read it. Make adjustments. Have someone else read it. Make adjustments. It may start off as a bit rough, since you are only focusing on getting the story down, but by the time you're done with editing it the flow will smooth out.

    TL;DR - Make the story your's. Focus on getting the story on paper, then work on correcting errors and fixing the flow.

    Best of luck Funky, I look forward to reading the finished product!!!

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  4. #3
    FunkyFingers
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadow abyss View Post
    This seems like it's going to be a great read. One thing about your writing style, you use a lot of long sentences, at least for me. That may just be a preference of mine, and not really an actual problem. Other than that, I love the descriptions, it's all very detailed. I like how the character is a bit of a mystery. It leaves alot of room for character development further in the story.

    Honestly though, if you are having fun writing it, you're writing it right(Bit of a tongue twister eh?). Make this your story, and make it your own style. In particular since you are relating this to your own personal life, make this story your's. Write out the whole thing. Read it. Make adjustments. Have someone else read it. Make adjustments. It may start off as a bit rough, since you are only focusing on getting the story down, but by the time you're done with editing it the flow will smooth out.

    TL;DR - Make the story your's. Focus on getting the story on paper, then work on correcting errors and fixing the flow.

    Best of luck Funky, I look forward to reading the finished product!!!
    Thanks for the feedback, if your still around in about a year, I'll share the rest with you lol.

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  6. #4
    shadow abyss
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunkyFingers View Post
    Thanks for the feedback, if your still around in about a year, I'll share the rest with you lol.
    You betta boi, I'll be waitin

  7. #5
    Elemental
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    Didn't really notice any "long" sentences tbh.
    I like the detailed descriptions as Shadow said tho, reminds me of books by Dan Brown, which I love

    One thing I did notice is you use a lot of Oxford Commas (When you place a comma before "and" which is unnecessary)

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  9. #6
    FunkyFingers
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elemental View Post
    Didn't really notice any "long" sentences tbh.
    I like the detailed descriptions as Shadow said tho, reminds me of books by Dan Brown, which I love

    One thing I did notice is you use a lot of Oxford Commas (When you place a comma before "and" which is unnecessary)
    Yea, I've been scolded about my over-usage of commas in the past. I always seem to have problems with putting them in places that aren't transitional parts of a sentence. Thanks for your feedback, I will try and work on my punctuation more.

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  11. #7
    Elemental
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    Overall your comma placement was perfect from my view (Then again, I'm not native, so I could be wrong) all except for the oxford commas

    also: http://i.imgur.com/3MDYGxL.jpg

  12. #8
    roux

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    Been wanting to write books forever, never got the courage and the motivation to do so.. I got great stories in my head and yeah..

    You're on a great start too, keep going!

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  14. #9
    Mr White
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    Reminds me of Sherman Alexie's The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. Very descriptive and makes me want to read more, great work!

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